With the last of the debacles behind me I am once again at peace with the hope for a moment of serendipity. I am content with solitude. Not to say that I would not dare to dream or to love again, but even if it does not happen I shall be content. The longing shall remain, for a hopeless romantic like me the desire for a partner shall always remain, however the pragmatic philosopher shall content with the fact that what is destined will be.
There is one thing that I can take solace in, I have no regrets of never having dared. I dared, I spoke my heart out, it just was never reciprocated. I am not bitter at it. What is not meant to be, will never be. It is just a disappointment that this wonderful life is passing me by without me being able to share its joys with a kindred soul. I have the capacity to find the joy and beauty in the world around me however I am also sanguine enough to realize the fact that this joy is never complete without someone to share it with.
These are things that is pointless if expressed to friends of mine. For them companionship is just a matter of sex. I have never understood what pleasure could there be in a physical act without intimacy! How is it ever different from a more realistic masturbation? How is it any different from using a sex toy? It would be as if you were with an inanimate object, because the women they hire for her you are just an inanimate object. Would that woman ever consider you as a person with human characteristics? For her you are just a dildo with a body if in the best of cases she derives some physical gratifications, unlikely though the prospect may be. What is the point of such a debasement?
I have come to the realization that it is better to have no partner than to have the wrong partner. I am hoping and waiting for the woman who would intrigue me, stimulate me, make me respect her. The drought of pretty girls that plagued me in my years so far is no longer the case. Fortune has blessed me with the platonic company of a bevy of very pretty girls. Some of my bachelor friends are already heads over heels over some of them. However pretty as they are I am not feeling attracted to them. Maybe it is because I am getting older or maybe it is because of my innate pessimism when it comes to opposite sex.
These girls are almost a decade younger than me, pretty, vivacious and extremely intelligent and smart to boot, However apart from sharing similar architectural environment we have nothing in common. We have rare opportunities to interact and in the only substantial day of interaction I was more content playing wingman to a good friend in his earnest attempts at wooing.
There are times when the abject loneliness does hurt. Not having a kindred soul does hurt. Not having someone to be intimate with, physically as much as emotionally does hurt.
Maybe the best salve for this issue is just to distract myself more thoroughly. Concentrate more on my studies, my researches, my passions. After all it has been ages since I wrote anything substantial. It has been ages since I travelled to somewhere new. Been even longer since I gave into my interest in photography.
Maybe instead of musing about these things in a stupor I should do something concrete about these things.